12 June 2006

The New Republicans

I’m sitting in a dumpy bar in a small, dumpy Midwestern town, I’m surrounded by dumpy, grammar-challenged, chain-smoking rednecks, and of course, like Jane Goodall studying apes in Africa, I’m quietly, stealthily—almost invisibly—listening to and observing the dumpy rednecks in this dumpy bar in this dumpy Midwestern town.

My dumpy redneck subjects are discussing the so-called “defense of ‘traditional’ marriage” issue, another phony right-wing distraction to divide the USA over an issue that really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, but is a perfect distraction from the right-wing failures with the economy, the war in Iraq, and just about every other goddamned thing they’ve fucked-up since they’ve been running all three federal government branches. Admitting failure or even a smidgen of fallibility is completely beyond the capabilities of these right-wing cocksuckers, so pointing fingers at phony demons to distract their drooling followers is their method of damage control.

Right-wing leaders and their sneaky shitheel spin merchants learned years ago that the lumpen, couch potato idiots who support them are easily distracted from reality simply by making them feel superior to what can only be described as the “easy targets” of their ire: minorities, gays, atheists, liberals, the French, environmentalists, and so on. The right winguts and their drooling followers just love to hate. It’s their raison d’etre, as those French people would say.

Take these dumpy rednecks in this dumpy bar in this dumpy Midwestern town. They are not handsome people, these dumpy rednecks, nor are they erudite, articulate, or even interesting. They’re in fact fat, annoyingly stupid, glaringly unhealthy, unfashionable to the point of high comedy, and flat-out butt ugly beyond any reasonable measure of ugliness. Their intolerance, ignorance, and unattractiveness are like horrific disabilities with which they are afflicted. However, truly disabled people possess much more self-awareness of their afflictions than these dumpy rednecks.

Only in a dumpy place like this can a dumpy moron who works a shitty and underpaid, utterly mindless job at Home Depot sit at the bar, drink shitty Bud Light beer, and badmouth unions. Somehow, miraculously, this uneducated, underemployed, barely-living-above-the-poverty-line slob with no health insurance has been convinced he’s a Republican. He’s in the same boat as the poor blacks and Hispanics he complains about and to whom he feels superior, yet somehow—somehow—he’s been convinced he belongs with the country-clubbers, gated community dwellers, and other economic elites who are the real base of the Republican Party. He believes in the Republican dream of the “unfettered” free market, you know, the same one that uprooted the factories that used to pay great union wages in his dumpy little town and sent the jobs to some filthy sweatshop in Mexico or China, where the same goods can be produced for considerably less and get sold—cheaply! —at the Home Depots and Wal-Marts where he and the other denizens of his dumpy town now toil for shit wages and zero benefits.

Does this dumpy slob blame the free market for his fucked-up fate? Hell no! He blames unwed nigger welfare mommas, illegal immigrant spics, taxes, liberals, atheists, faggots, and no prayer in schools for all of his—and America’s—problems. And, oh, how he badmouths unions! They’re greedy! They’re destructive! Pay no mind to the fact that American corporations placed the self-interest of their stockholders above their workers, their communities, and their country. Unions used to represent the economic self-interest of slobs like this, as the Democrat Party still does. But shitbird votes Republican.

This dumpy slob is now repeating the Republican hate message of the day, which is the defense of traditional marriage. The right-wing spin machine is promoting the idea of a Constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. Pay no mind to the fact heterosexuals have already made a complete fucking joke of the institution of marriage. What’s the divorce rate for my generation? Fifty percent? Or is it higher? I forget. All those broken homes out there certainly don’t give me a warm and fuzzy feeling about the institution of marriage. Can homosexuals really fuck up the institution of marriage any worse than it already is?

Hell, this slob here has been bitching about his three—three!—ex-wives and his goddamn child support problems all night. But goddamn if he’s gonna let them queers and rug munchers experience three—three!—disastrous marriages like his, let alone one! Hell nosiree! Why, if we let queers marry, the next thing you know people will wanna marry their dog or some ten-year-old kid! Talk about a slippery slope! The Bible clearly states, “Honor thy father and thy mother!” It don’t say nothin’ about honoring thy queer daddies. And then there’s polygamy; we don’t want that!

Yeah, he’s a Republican.

- Alex von Waldenberg III, 12 June 2006

1 Comments:

Blogger Farmer_Ned said...

The divorce rate in America passed 50% more than a few years ago. But, like many OTHER failed endeavors and institutions, it HAS to be guarded by someone--not so much to protect what it actually represents today--rather what THINK it represents today, misinformed by some fuzzy belief of what it meant a few decades ago. The irony of that is, of course, that just a few decades before that, the "institution of marriage" meant something completely different still! Civil marriage is a fairly recent creation, going back a few hundred years, and mostly engaged in to legally pass property from father to son. Since there was no real for people who owned little or no property to be civilly married—religious marriage was good enough, but also fairly uncommon. Common Law Marriage was the most COMMON, and eventually codified, here, there and everywhere. Pile upon that economic incentives realized by being civilly married or commonly married, and you see the real dilemma in America. Once again, a religious argument is used to fuel an insipid debate that penalizes Americans ECONOMICALLY. But confusing uneducated with the morality, ethicality, legality and economy of marriage is yet another way these neo-Conservatives win the “culture wars” and win elections. They misrepresent history, economy and mathematics to people of all education levels. Unfortunately, the least educated among us continue to suffer at the hands of the best educated. So, is it really worth making the argument that married gays would most likely better the divorce-rate numbers? Probably not, because I am sure the neo-Con machine has an answer for even the most persuasive, logical arguments.

4:35 PM  

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