24 June 2006

Small Town Values and My Most Excellent Sex Life

The summer has begun and I’m still stuck in this small, dumpy Midwestern town. Each successive day the weather becomes hotter and more humid, and each successive day I grow wearier of the time I’m spending here. My only entertainment comes from the World Cup, screwing the daylights out of the three women I’m seeing here, and waiting each Sunday like an excitable child for the newest episodes of Deadwood and Entourage on HBO.

This small, dumpy Midwestern town has three restaurants—not including the fast food joints—and another four decent bars, so I’m not completely bereft of food and drink. The bars’ denizens are mostly of redneck stock, but are certainly nice enough folk and much friendlier than my peers back on the East Coast. However, the bar banter is quite a few steps down the intellectual ladder than back east in my big city neighborhood. I grew up in a similar small, dumpy Midwestern town like this one, so I’m not unfamiliar with this petty redneck patois, but in the last few weeks I’ve been longing for the snotty, urban high-brow conversations of my peer group.

The two major social pathologies in this small, dumpy Midwestern town are ignorance and boredom. People here have few cultural outlets, plus are largely ignorant of the one they’re missing. The almost choking prevalence of all this ignorance and boredom leads to all of the following social ills: drug and alcohol abuse; rampant divorce rates and broken homes; unprotected and frivolous sex practices (leading to far too many illegitimate births and STD infections); spousal abuse; child molestation (in this small, dumpy Midwestern town, for example, the police nabbed 18 suspects in an Internet child predator sting).

Interestingly, the divorce and illegitimacy rates in this small, dumpy Midwestern town are appallingly high, which is kind of funny because the rednecks here think of themselves as more decent, pious, and wholesome than their urban ethnic (black, Hispanic) counterparts. While I agree the violent crime rate is considerably lower here, not much else is better, morally speaking, than you’d find in South Boston, Brooklyn, South Philly, or West Baltimore.

These rednecks are deluded to believe their morals are better or of a higher magnitude than their urban ethnic counterparts.

Because these small, dumpy Midwestern towns lack the ethnic diversity of large urban areas, their exposure to people of differing races, creeds, and sexual orientations is highly limited or nonexistent, so their attitudes toward differing people are largely skewed negatively by this lack of exposure. They cling to the stereotypes and fail to grasp that all lower class Americans are in the same boat, more or less, and suffer from the same social pathologies in more or less the same numbers.

Ah, well, enough complaining. I’ve drunk three pints of Labatt Blue and its 4:24 in the morning. I just finished having a rather naughty threesome with Cassi and Jenni, two local girls who tend bar and are both twenty-something divorcees with kids. The girls are passed out on my hotel bed, clad only in their panties. They’re both hot. Why they want me is a big mystery, but I could care less to solve it as long as they keep coming here for fun. This night started at the bar where they work; I believe a large quantity of SoCo & lime shots were consumed, and the next thing you know they're in my hotel room, kissing me, kissing each other, stripping for me, letting me spank them...wow. If I sound somewhat pleased with myself, I must admit I am.

This small, dumpy Midwestern town has lots of sexy young women in the same boat and Cassi and Jenni, and they all seem to enjoy having filthy dirty trysts with strange men from out of town. I’m also seeing a divorced 25-year-old hottie with two kids named Shelli (I seem to have cornered the market on slutty, divorced girls whose names end in ‘i’ and who have two kids). Shelli tends bar too, and is a great chick, but her life is so complicated and cluttered that it would be impossible to expect much from her. Our time together has been great despite the fact we both know it’s just a summer fling until the project I’m working on here is done. But, oh, is she a hot girl! Imagine a much skinnier Drew Barrymore and you have Shelli. Plus she has great taste in music. And a deep, sultry voice that drives me wild.

I’m not bragging (well, I am, but so what!), but this year has been especially brilliant, sex-wise. I’m about as tubby as I have ever been, I haven’t worked out since last fall, and yet somehow—and don’t ask me why—women seem to like me this year. It started New Year’s Eve and I haven’t looked back. I haven’t been this successful with women since I was in my 20s. And it just keeps getting better; you should see the two hotties lying on my hotel bed right now. I shit you not.

Before I left my cozy East Coast home for this extended business trip, I broke up with my very beautiful, very sexy, very naughty 22-year-old girlfriend. I’m 43, and dating a girl young enough to be my daughter was equally hot and perplexing and creepy. She was a great girl, very sweet and sexy and bubbly, and the time we spent together was amazing, but in the end I felt like I was fucking the daughter I’ve never had. I know that sounds creepy—and it is—but I’m weak when it comes to sex.

So here I am, sitting at the desk in my hotel room in this small, dumpy Midwestern town, with two freshly-fucked hotties passed out on my bed, and despite the fact I hate it here, I’ve managed to make the best of things and have some fun. My last threesome was in 1986 in Greece with two sexy English babes, Wendy and Carol, so I'm a little out of practice. Threesomes are not really my thing, but what the fuck, it was their idea, and who am I to pass up hot sex?

I’m a weird fucker, no doubt about it

I’ve returned to anonymous blogging simply because I enjoy the complete honesty that hiding behind a fake moniker affords me. When I first started blogging I used a pseudonym, then decided to blog under my real name, but in the end I loathed the self-imposed restraints I placed upon my blog’s content because I used my real name.

So buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Here’s my iPod playlist of the week:

Music for Cuddling

1. “Linger” by the Cranberries
2. “Avalon” by Roxy Music
3. “Baby Come Back” by Player
4. “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star
5. “Running Up That Hill” by Kate Bush
6. “Unfinished Symphony” by Massive Attack
7. “Soft Rains of April” by a-Ha
8. “I Just Wanna Stop” by Gino Vanelli
9. “Sign Your Name” by Terrence Trent D’Arby
10. “Between the Sheets” by the Isley Brothers
11. “How Can I Fall?” by Breathe
12. “I Love You Anyways” by Travis
13. “Been Around the World” by Lisa Stansfield
14. “Always Love” by Nada Surf
15. “No Ordinary Love” by Sade
16. “It’s My Life” by Talk Talk
17. “You’re The Best Thing” by the Style Council
18. “Home Ain’t Where His Heart Is (Anymore)” by Shania Twain
19. “Killing Me Softly” by Roberta Flack
20. “Song for Whoever” by the Beautiful South
21. “Hysteria” by Def Leppard
22. “Ordinary World” by Duran Duran
23. “Being With You” by Smokey Robinson
24. “Holding Back the Years” by Simply Red
25. “Kissed By A Rose” by Seal
26. “Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden
27. “Heartlight” by Neil Diamond
28. “Daydream Believer” by the Monkees
29. “Last Goodbye” by Jeff Buckley
30. “Ain’t No Woman (Like the One I Got)” by the Four Tops
31. “Waiting for a Girl Like You” by Foreigner
32. “A Little Respect” by Erasure
33. “Reasons” by Earth, Wind & Fire
34. “Just Around the Corner” by Cock Robin
35. “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye
36. “Lotta Love” by Neil Young
37. “So in Love” by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark

- Alex von Waldenberg III, 24 June 2006


Blogger BJ Aberle said...

I can't help the feeling that what you write, although interesting, occurs only in your head. I have read some of your posts defending your Humanist values over at Onegoodmove. Do you have any idea as to how arrogant you come off? Dumpy Mid-western town. No cultural outlets. Grammatically challenged rednecks. I live in the mid-west. And that's the way it is. It is no better or worse that your way of life. It is just different. By your writing one would assume that you live the epitome of human existence and that all the rest of us just wallow around in the mud of ignorance. That is absurd. Your humanist worldview claims that there are no absolutes. But yet that in and of itself is an absolute. Apparently you have the ability to perceive and know what the rest of the world is longing for.

3 blind men are walking together and come across an elephant. One grabs the trunk and says, "it's a snake." Another feels the leg and says, "it's a tree." And yet the third grabs the tail and says, "I have a rope." You are so arrogant in your views that you don't even consider yourself to be included with the blind. Your beliefs claim that you can actually see the elephant. But in all reality your are just as blind as the rest of us. You say humanism is worth defending, but your attitude and writings don't make the case for it. I think you even went into listing the tenants of humanism but yet you want to be exempt from having "religious" characteristics. That cannot be done. The very tenants define a type of religion to which you subscribe. Talk about intolerant…. you automatically hate these people because they don’t see the world as you. You speak of things that you know very little about trying to pass it of as being enlightened, it is no surprise that you chose to be anonymous.

1:31 PM  
Anonymous alex fan said...

Snowboy, imitating Judge
Hear ye, hear ye, in the opinion of this court, this child is depraved on account he ain't had a normal home.

Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!

- "Gee, Officer Krupke" from West Side Story

2:22 PM  
Anonymous Free Thinker said...

To bj aberle:
A quick glance at your writing and I see an ignorant slob who doesn't believe in evolution and thinks that global warming is a hoax. I guess being a Jesus freak is all you need.

1:23 PM  
Anonymous Free Thinker said...

I almost thought that my previous comment was too harsh, too vitriolic until I considered the irresponsible childishness of some nitwit Jesus freak who denies global warming. Line up your scientists who think global warming is a hoax against mine who know it to be the truth and you will be outmatched overwhelmingly. Ditto on evolution. Pray for a brain. It may come some day.

10:27 PM  
Blogger BJ Aberle said...

A quick glance at your comment reveals your ignorance and complete inability to comprehend what you read. How can you even infer your conclusions? To rely on the stereotype that follows Christians is normal. But to apply that to all whom you encounter is baseless, immature and, contrary to you name, not very free in your thinking. In your lame two sentance response you managed to call me a slob and a Jesus freak. I wouldn't mind so much if you had actualy attacked my ideas. But name calling is easy when you have no thoughts of your own. If you would take the time to read more and react less you might see that I am pointing out some of the flaws in "Alex's" worldview. Nowhere did I say my views are flawless. Wise up friend.

2:42 PM  
Anonymous Free Thinker said...

OK, so you do believe in evolution and in global warming. Glad we got that settled.

5:01 PM  
Anonymous Yanick Etienne said...

Alex, Yanick Etienne here. I just read one of your comments about my performance on "Avalon". You happened to have written it on my birthday. Although it's two months later, I thank you for my Birthday gift.
Much love,
Avalon Girl.

9:24 PM  
Blogger Alex von Waldenberg III said...

Thank you, Yanick!

Your singing has been in my head for twenty-four years now.

And what a beautiful thing it is!

5:25 PM  

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